#13 | do it for the moments

Sometimes, I catch myself wondering if it's pretentious of me to vlog and put it up and show it to friends and family. As if I'm that important or interesting a person for people to want to watch my content. I'm not. I know that very well myself. This is not an attempt to put myself down—although I admit I do have a track record of doing so—it's just the truth, put plainly. 

I feel conflicted and awkward every time it's time to tweet that a new post or vlog is up, or link my friends, because I know everyone has their own priorities and interests, and they might not want to watch my vlogs, but still do it out of courtesy. That's the part I don't like, it potentially being burdensome on the other party. Sometimes, I quietly publish something and not tell a single soul, because I don't want anyone to feel obliged to read or watch my content just because we're tied by the string of social relationships. 

Most of the time, despite linking people, at the end of the day, they choose not to watch it, and I'm the only one watching my vlogs. I am perfectly contented with that. I have not forgotten why I started vlogging in the first place: a little innocuous hobby, a way to overcome my social anxiety, and most importantly, an archive of the littlest moments in my life that I can look back on and reminisce. A lot of these little things in life are left in the dust of growing old, and it's sad to forget them when they bring so much small joys. Even if it's just a bit, I want to make an effort to preserve them.

None of the reasons above is for viewership. I'm not troubled by vlogging; it's purely the 'letting people know I did A Thing' part that gets to me. I don't see a way out at the moment—maybe it's me overthinking and being overly conscious as usual, maybe it's the truth. In any case, this is a me problem, not a them problem. A mental hurdle I have to work on and leap across.

*

It feels good, to finally share a purely dear: life opinion piece on here. The last one was in Dec 2018 where I was showing off my wick trimmer. Heh. 

As I'm editing vlog #20, I find myself bursting out laughing at the silly little things my family and friends did that I managed to get on camera. I've been in a mental slump for weeks, and the bubbles of happiness floating around me instantly lifted my spirit. It's worth it, little moments like these.

- fee. 

p.s. This post didn't end up the way I thought it was going to be. Though not completely diverted from my original intention, the nuance is there, and that is fine too. Life happens, change happens.